Journal #2 (cw: brief mentions of sex)

I think that these symtoms are both very autism-based and BPD-based than they are based on a dissociative identity disorder. They are a way for me to compartmentalize myself into boxes--neatly organized and filed to my liking. Age-regressing? That's Zippo. Jack and Les are a little harder to define, but they have their own categories in my brain. Les is a more out-going individual, if not more pessimistic. This is where differences I can outwardly state end, but there are differences that are harder to express. Sometimes I don't know whether Les or Jack is "in the lead", but I've come to accept sometimes I just won't know, and we're all the same person anyways, so it doesn't really matter. I really don't want to be treated like multiple individuals just because I compartimentalize my personality. Even when Les is leading, that's me. When Jack is leading that's me. Even Zippo; that's still me. I'm me! I might not be happy about it, but this is how I exist.

Monty has been coming back around more recently, especially since I got my therian mask. Monty is essentially all my canine therian feelings wrapped into one creature, so I guess that makes sense. I've been very "blurry" recently, not really knowing WHO is in my head, and I think part of that is Monty coming back and giving me some extra theriotype thoughts. Monty disappeared because they were partially designed by one of my exes, and because we'd roleplay as him and another character during sex. I felt like I couldn't relate to anything caninekin after our breakup, nor anything even somewhat designed by him, so Monty went away. In a way, Monty still reminds me of them, and I'm hesitant for Monty to come back to my life. I'm worried of these memories coming back. But I'm already somewhat haunted by a version of this person who also lives in my head, so I guess there's not much else I can do right? Anyways, it might be a sign that I'm healing. Kilgor has also been being mean to me, and is a character I've considered an "enemy" for a long time, and I'm coming to realize it's probably because that's who's being mean to me in my head.

I've decided on "Party Room" as a collective name, by the way. When I'm really blurry Party for short. I also made a blog as Zippo, for cleancore, stims, and comfort. Check out at @underneath-the-streetlight. More to come soon!